Monday, 20 April 2015

You are to blame

I'm feeling a bit reluctant to write- but I have to say something about Blame. I was travelling back from work and was listening to the news on the radio. There were three reported incidents involving unexpected deaths. In every case, someone was saying that "this shouldn't have happened" and "I'd still have my son/daughter if only they had........." etc. And then the poor staff, nurses, mid wives doctors are the subject of a search and destroy mission. Its someone's fault.
How did we get here? Life is precarious, people are inattentive once in a while, people die all the time and in inappropriate places; crises arrive when you least expect them and even when you have every base covered for safety and security. Its as if we can stop this from happening by blame. I'm not excusing poor care or disregard for safety and so on, its that we need to take some responsibility for being human, for going to the surgery, for bungy jumping, for having a baby (kiddin' ya)
Blame will hurt the one who is pointing the finger and very likely the targets will suffer all kinds of heinous punishments. Blame will keep you from grief, it will keep you angry; it may keep your loved one 'alive' so to speak. But you will pay a dear price with your physical and mental health.
Blame comes from our need to be right. It comes from a culture that believes its wrong to suffer and you shouldn't have to suffer in your life. Where death is seen as a failure, a waste, a mistake.It comes from a culture where punishment is considered necessary even when people have been acting in good faith and with good intentions. Blame believes in punishment.
I ask myself, what punishment would the nurses and doctors need when a child is lost in child birth. Do we really think they are having a party after that event? Do we believe that the infliction of pain on the people involved teaches a lesson? What if the lesson has been 'learnt'. I remember Celia Lashlie, the outspoken writer and one time prison superintendant talking about prisoners in Paremoremo, there for murder. She said every day they are living with the magnitude and the memory of their crime. That is the punishment.
An antidote to blame: Know what you are feeling; this will lead to genuine response ability-you have the feelings and no one else- and will let you know what you want and what you value. This will stop placing yourself at the mercy of another and making them responsible for your feelings. Ask yourself what do I need right now. It may be support, it may be a conversation; it could be anything. It may be qualities like patience, or peace that you desire and that only you can give yourself. It may be something from someone else. Try not to interpret whether you are likely to get it or not.