Sunday, 24 March 2013

Grief and loss and the currents of change

Grief and loss and the currents of change
Sorrow is the outward and inward acknowledgment that something has changed-you lost something..Changes are a part of this life.When you change you lose something.It can be a valued possesion; it can be a loved one;change can be a part of yourself you no longer need.You have to negotiate the new.Birth is our first big change;its a big loss coming from that beautiful place. I think this might be my,and others' difficulties with acceptance came from-when my ability to change was more difficult, which prolonged the cycle of change by holding on to what was lost.This of course is an absurdity; 'holding on' is denying reality-the fact that what we are holding on to has already passed! but we can be left with an abiding sense of anger,sadness and fear as a result of 'holding on. You see this in the refusal to grieve in the movies-when someone will not let go and holds all these feelings inside.This can give us a sense of control over events we did not want ot happen,when we felt bewildered and shocked at the sudden change. I think that this is exacerbated at birth by our practices by which the child is isolated from the comfort of his/her mother and further by violent initiation practices-heel pricks,circumcision,injections etc.This has been backed up by recent studies including a profound article I read in Byron Child magazine by a male researcher with long term difficulties with feelings of depression.
So negotiating change is essentially human,to practice at negotiating the seas of our lives is an art which requires practice! I read an excellent book recently with the (shocking) title of 'Change or Die' by Alan Deutschman The 3 vital things that the author found helped anyone change-this is in a study of organisations and individuals-were:
1: Relate: Talk about it.Get support Break the isolation
2.Repeat. Repetition of an idea,an action,a word-will help you to change
3..Reframe. Seeing the event (or being even willing to entertain the possibility) that this was important for my growth.Looking at things from another perspective.This isn't to be confused with bypassing the feelings or 'getting over it ' or any other form of denial that is currently fashionable.Its what used to be called forgiveness.

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